The Mental Load of New Parenthood [And How Smart Support Systems Reduce Burnout]

New parents often talk about the new parent bliss. The cuddles, the milestones, the overwhelming love and adoration for their new baby, and so on and so on.

However, there is another side of becoming a new parent. [Besides the sleep deprivation-obviously!]

You may have heard it called “the mental load”. 

This is the constant but invisible decision-making that comes with a new being relying on you for EVERYTHING. It’s the:

• Is my baby eating enough?
• Is my baby eating too much?
• Shouldn’t the baby be sleeping more?
• Is my baby sleeping too much?

It’s not about more tasks or more work; it’s about the thinking. One of our admins was recently running through a to-do list with her AI chatbot, and it told her that “thinking isn’t a task.” However, for many new parents, it is. Thinking, researching, and then thinking about the research can take up hours of a new parent’s day.

Why We’re Talking About This

Our agency works with thousands of families in the earliest stages of parenthood. We provide in-home overnight support [overnight, daytime and 24/7]. Our expert team of “night nurses” [Newborn Care Specialists, Postpartum Doulas, RNS, and LPNS] are in homes working directly with new parents.

We see firsthand that while sleep deprivation and physical recovery are definitely challenges to overcome, there is also the underlying mental gymnastics. Parents are trying to make the “right” decision. And babies don’t come with a manual! What is right for your baby might not have been what is right for your sister’s baby or for what the woman in the Facebook group recommended.

Our goal is to lessen that mental load. We know newborns. We can give advice that is tailored to their baby and hopefully presented in a way that is nonjudgmental and reduces stress for the parent. We want them to feel more confident, more supported, and in doing so, less overwhelmed!

Why “Just Rest” Isn’t Enough

We’re big on rest! Our primary service is providing care overnight. Being well-rested means that families can function better, heal more efficiently, and more thoroughly enjoy their parenting experience. 

However, rest doesn’t just mean sleep. The Dalai Lama said it best:

“A calm mind brings inner strength and self-confidence, so that’s very important for good health.”

When a parent is physically well-rested at night and feeling mentally sound during the day[and night], that is the balance that we’re striving for. 

We don’t want a parent to put their head to the pillow and be running through second-guessing everything that happened every moment of the day. If these thoughts are pervasive and affecting your ability to parent and function, this might be Postpartum Anxiety [PPA]. Please reach out to your healthcare provider if this rings true for you. Postpartum Anxiety does not often go away without treatment.

The Systems That Actually Help

What can reduce burnout and the constant questions isn’t a one-step or one-size-fits-all solution. It’s often a combination of support that is most effective. 

1. Experienced Human Support

In-home care with real people is invaluable. This can be from a professional Newborn Care Specialist or from a friend or family member who is experienced with newborn care.

The Newborn Care Specialists on our team can take over care of the baby, but they can also:

• Help babies get into routines and sleep a little better each night
• Give safe sleep advice that meets AAP standards 
• Let you know when things aren’t as they should be. We recommend when to reach out to your pediatrician, an IBCLC or other specialist.

Oftentimes, the issue with asking questions is “you don’t know what you don’t know!” We can help you have peace of mind that you aren’t missing any key pieces of parenting your newborn. 

2. Shared Responsibility at Home

The truth is that the mental load often falls more heavily onto one parent. That doesn’t mean the other parent isn’t helpful, but one parent might be the one to do the diaper changes, while the other is constantly monitoring when you’re running low on diapers. [That’s mental load.]

The only way to prevent this is to have a conversation and divide and conquer. This doesn’t go away in the newborn period, as your baby grows it turns into who is researching pre-schools, who is making sure homework is done, who is making sure the soccer shirt is washed for practice. 

When you’re planning this out, you might want to start with specifics. Not just “who is washing the bottles” but “who is watching the sink and noticing that the bottles need to be washed.” Here are some examples of tasks that can be delegated to one parent:

• Making pediatrician visits and coordinating the calendar
• Checking for stock [diapers, wipes, diaper cream] and adding it to a shopping list
• Researching library story times

This doesn’t fully reduce the constant worrying about what you might have missed, but it helps establish a partnership from the start. 

3. Systems and Sleep Schedules

When we start with a family and their baby is already here, they often are concerned about the baby basics- feeding and sleep. They might not be recognizing their baby’s cues and their baby might be fussy and overstimulated.

Our first course of action is often to get the baby into a routine. 

• 1 month sleep schedule
• 2 month sleep schedule
• 3 month sleep schedule
• 4 month sleep schedule

Tracking their baby’s rhythms and paying attention to how much they’re being fed and starting to notice patterns can be key here. 

Also, getting on the same page with style. Many parents talk about their parenting philosophy in terms of walking, talking children. How will parents go about discipline or screen time? But how you’re responding to your baby is impactful as well. If one parent is holding the baby 24/7 while the other is working on independent sleep, that’s confusing to the baby and will impact any shared goals.

Finally, just regular smegular organizing the household! Pre-prepped feeding stations throughout the house [don’t forget to delegate who keeps these stocked], grab-and-go snacks, etc. If you can reduce the number of decisions you have to make in a given moment, it reduces overall mental fatigue.

4. Decision Support [When You Don’t Have an Expert in the Room]

With or without a strong support systems, there will always be that moment of doubt. The “what do I do now?” or “what am I doing wrong?”

This is where tools like Proxy can come into play.

Many of our parents are already utilizing online tools like Google, Reddit, Claude or Chat GPT. Those resources are likely to give you information. Lots of information. [and often more tabs to open.]

Sometimes this can add to the mental load. When 5 websites are saying 5 different things, how do you know which one is the “right” one?

The creators of Proxy are parents, and they created it with this in mind. It is an AI bot created specifically to reduce the mental load for parents. And it’s not just newborn-specific either. 

What makes it different is that you get: one clear recommendation and next step.

They want you to not only find the answers, but not have to process and filter through a million options and solutions. Here are some examples of things that you can ask Proxy:

• “Is this normal behavior for my newborn?”
• “How do I find a night nurse near me?”
• “What should I make for dinner tonight?”
• “My 8-week-old woke from a nap at 5pm. When should bedtime be?”
• “What is the best cruise line to take a family of four with a new baby?”

And Proxy will give you a concise answer on what they would do if they were you and a clear next step.

Proxy is also accessed through text messaging from your phone. So it feels a bit more casual and comfortable. Especially for parents who aren’t used to AI. 

It’s also:

• private and judgment-free
• not influenced by ads or paid placements
• designed to help you decide and move on, not stay stuck in research mode

It’s not a search tool or a content generator; it’s a decision maker that helps you think ahead.

It’s Not About Doing Less. It’s About Holding Less

The goal is not to eliminate responsibility, and it’s definitely not about not caring about the important decisions that come along with parenthood. It’s about understanding that you don’t have to carry everything, all the time, and you definitely don’t have to carry it alone!

Whether you’re asking experts, sharing with your partner, or using tools- it’s important that if you feel overwhelmed, you’re taking steps to feel more comfortable. Because that sense of guilt, fear, and responsibility doesn’t go away when your baby turns into a toddler and then goes off to school! [Even parents of adult children worry about their well-being!]

We want parents to have the right supports in place so that you can function better and feel better!

A Different Way to Think About Support

All parents need support. [Louder for those in the back]. All HUMANS need support. And in a modern world where the “village” doesn’t exist naturally, we often have to make it ourselves.

So many of the parents that we work with feel guilty about asking for help. They feel like they should be able to do it on their own. There is this societal pressure to power through and talk about the trauma on the other side like a battle that was won.

But it doesn’t have to be like that! Parenthood isn’t meant to be something that we endure.

So instead of asking: “Do I need help?” Assume that the answer is almost always yes! 

A more useful question is:
“What can I take off my mental load?”

Maybe that is a Newborn Care Specialist to come in and offer advice. Maybe that means your mom comes and stays for the week and keeps the laundry, dishes and meals going in the background. Maybe it’s a sit down conversation with your partner about the things that you’ve quietly taken onto your plate. Maybe that is a tool like Proxy. Usually, it’s going to be a combination of more than one thing. 

Just remember that the goal isn’t to prove you can do it alone. It’s to create a version of parenthood where you’re not just getting through the days, but actually able to enjoy and experience them.

And no one does that well while carrying everything alone.

Contact us today if you want to start a journey towards in-home, personalized support! Or Text Proxy @ 820-732-2625 for a free trial of their chatbot.